Just wondering why I am writing something on this blog after so long instead of my journal... Well, its just a hope that maybe someone will get a new realization from my philosophies, or who knows I would be reading this maybe after ten years...
I have so much to say!
Let me keep a disclaimer : I am writing this in a very stable mood (I am not sad, too happy, rude or anything). So all the thoughts and questions are for sure reliable.
I never knew this side of me. I think I just changed myself too much. It was yesterday when I was so clueless that I never cared about anything in life, like what I would be doing after 12th std, whom I would be with, I never cared about my friends or losing them. I was so much self centered maybe... Calling myself a writer or even thinking like if I was, I was always busy in making a whole new world in my mind, that was too perfect and most of the time, I was there.
Today, I blame my age, or this capitalist world that I find myself totally lost. I don't know what I want to do and if I am actually doing the thing I should...
Decisions; I made many strict decisions in the start of this year that would shape my future for better and this year in on the second half and I can't see a hope and the progress that I decided. I feel I betray myself. I sacrificed my good going success, furthered my friends, disrupted my peace and I regretted too much, but at the end, it meant nothing. Its just like my life's main exams are too near but I haven't prepared well for it. And now to keep hope, I feel I am totally depended on my luck...
Patience: As a writer, its so easy to write a story and change the life of the character night-on-night, but the reality is too different. Nothing comes too quickly. Efforts and patience are important. I feel I lack both.
Purpose: The main question 'What is the purpose of my life?'. I don't know this. I just feel I am so lost. I remain confused on everything in life and take not so serious things seriously and vice versa... Sometimes I just feel that this life is just to live it peacefully, read stories, make stories and live many stories... I remain so curious to wander around peacefully, stand under a tree and see the surrounding, people... I don't want to bore. It feels like I can do it just now, but every alley has its own world, own life. I don't know what I will do by doing that, but I just wish to do it.
I really don't know what I crave in life. What is the deep down desire that I want to achieve. At the start of the year, I decided that I want to work at a big company. Now I realize that it was never my dream or desire. Maybe it was just the society that tells us what to do to get respect and status. Sometimes when I compare, I just feel jealous of the good doers... maybe they actually wanted to do this. It's not like I don't like my work. It's just like I feel lost because I don't have anything as such that give me the craving to keep going.
So here I am, a little hope that wherever I will be in the future, I think I will be happy. Loosing and being wrong is actually very important in life. Though I am going through a hard phase in my life, but now I care friendship, unlike before. I give importance to correct things more. Bad decisions helps us to take right decisions. Loosing things realizes us the importance of that thing. I just hope that I live a life like the past Yash who was clueless, but always curious about what is next. So yeah, need to have dinner. Though I have a lot, but as always, I am too lazy to type now... need to complete summer internship project and keep procrastinating my interview preparations so see yaa.
